February 9, 2010 – SNOW DAY!
SNOW DAY! Not today, but tomorrow! Yup, it’s a pre-emptive snow day from school, so that parents can arrange childcare. I can’t wait to wake up tomorrow to see NO SNOW and have a full day off to go shopping, get things done and just feel free! That’s what happened about 6 years ago when the city did a pre-planned snow day…we didn’t see 1 flake. Of course, it could actually snow hard and DH and I could be stuck inside – and that’s ok with me too!
I called the RE’s office to ask them to call in my IVF prescriptions, but was only able to leave a voicemail…glad I’ll be off all day tomorrow to answer the call back! …and YES, I’m ordering the meds. We STILL haven’t heard back from the urologist regarding DH’s tests, but I’d rather be prepared to go ahead with IVF than to have to wait any extra second to start!
Feeling better today (probably since I know I don’t have work…I really need to quit)…even bought a new pair of sneakers! OK…off to check in on all your blogs!
February 7, 2010 – Stir Crazy…and YOU
I’m still sick. I somehow pull it together and go to work and then crash and burn when I get home – and forget about the weekends. I’m in bed 24/7. So if you read my last post, you’ll know what my thoughts are doing to me – they’re making me crazy.
I can’t lie. I must be kinda better at this point – I may be letting depression creep into the mix. I don’t mean to. I’m just sad about IF; I don’t like my job; my DH lost his job so I don’t feel comfortable leaving my job at this point; I’ve gained 50 lbs this past infertile year; and our apartment is beyond a mess – it’s like a big storage facility – not a home…so yes, depression is creeping in AND it’s not helping me resolve any of these issues.
I will say that I may have reached a good breaking point in this stir crazy madness. Here I am, on the computer…checking email, facebook, blogs…reading peoples stories, both tragic and hopeful…and while I’m doing it all, I’m laying in bed, eating a corn muffin and popping IF meds (just metformin right now)…and I start to visualize everyone I’m reading about, doing the same thing. Normally I picture everyone very put together – maybe typing at a desk…but no – today you are all lying in bed, typing away in your jammies, dealing with IF. For some reason this has cracked me up – and now I have a small burst of energy to get up and be productive…so thank you for letting my imagination use you to do its dirty work 
January 31, 2010 – Left To My Thoughts
I’ve been sick in bed for about 2 ½ days now – not fun. I’ve missed a work function and 2 family events. All I’ve done is check facebook on my laptop for hours, read blogs and think. I know I plan too far in advance, and that we haven’t heard anything from the doctor – but I’m trying to prepare myself for the fact that we may not be able to start IVF next month. It was such a big deal for us to make the choice to take December, January and most of February off…but now we may have to wait longer. I guess it was a good thing we planned to take time off or these new tests with new information wouldn’t have been done yet and we could have wasted a lot of time, money and pain on failed IVF cycles.
I’m trying to stay calm. I just feel like my husband and I are getting older by the second and I don’t think I’m greedy for wanting a family with 3 or 4 children…not like an extra 3 months is going to derail that plan – the whole infertility thing has lessened those chances. Sorry – I’m whining…I’m sick – going to sleep now.
January 29, 2010 – So Many Questions
Question #1 – Why am I still sick? I am achy, my throat burns, I’m so tired…it’s just not going away.
As for the other questions…they’re all on one topic: SPERM. So I don’t have any solid questions, except for: when will the doctor give us results? I’m freaking out a little. Again, I have no definite reason to worry…but does anyone know anything about sperm fragmentation and what it means for IVF? Like…if this is an issue, will we have to put off the IVF until it improves, if at all? I’ve been consulting Dr. Google and he has not been a comfort. I have too many “What if?” questions right now…worried.
January 26, 2010 – Sick Again
Aye-yie-yie! I am sick again! It started Friday – I was just exhausted…slept all day Saturday (only went out to get dinner)…went to Church and had breakfast on Sunday…then slept all day…by night time my throat hurt to swallow water, so I decided to take Monday off to go to the doctor.
I waited 3 HOURS to see a doctor…I probably caught 10 other things while I was there (the girl next to me was prescribed Tamiflu-yikes). I see the doctor and she asks me how I feel. Then she took a strep test – negative. So – here’s the kicker – she says she wants to do a pregnancy test. I practically laugh and say that I got AF last week, and the week before that I saw my ovaries and uterus on a screen – I’m definitely not PG…but she insisted, so I said fine and went off to PIAC.
So during the 5 minutes that I’m waiting for her to get back to me with the results I start to think – maybe it’s a miracle – maybe she’ll say I am PG and I won’t have to go through IVF. I mean, it’s really disturbing that I let my mind go to that place – um…reality check Reena! So, yeah – not PG – she tells me I probably have a virus and to rest and drink fluids…gee thanks.
January 21, 2010 – Feeling better!
That stomach bug was not fun. Today is the 1st day I feel 100%. I, of course, went to work sick the past few days anyway – so that I can save up days off for IVF – and then went home and fell right asleep. Sorry to be missing.
AF came the other day…only a 44 day cycle – not bad. Not much more to report – Just 1 month until I start my new meds for IVF!!!!
January 16, 2010 – What’s New
I’m sick…as are 2 of my colleges, so some kind of stomach bug is going around work – yuck. So I’m achy and sick and just staying in bed. Also, it’s Day 43 (or so) of my cycle…thanks PCOS…just wish AF would come already.
As for IF stuff…I got the call that my insurance pre-certification was approved, PHEW! Now I have to call and check what meds are covered and then order them. My DH only likes me to blog about me, understandably, so I won’t go into anything with his IF testing, except that I’m worried we may have to delay IVF depending on some test results (the test hasn’t happened yet). It would just be a delay, not a never, but I have to find out when we’ll know and how long IF meds last for, so that I don’t order them too soon and then they go bad…so that’s my new worry.
That’s about it – if you have a 3-day weekend, enjoy your extra day off!
January 13, 2010 – Sad News for A Blogging Friend
I have sad news to report. Eve, from Infertility Rocks! (who inspired this post: January 5, 2010 – Inspiring A New Blogger Award) just lost one of the twin babies she was carrying. I cannot imagine her pain. Please keep her in your prayers and maybe stop by her blog to give her some love.
January 12, 2010 – IVF Teach Class, SIS, Sounding and Paranoia
This may not be the best writing, but I want to go through this most information-packed day with you all…
First, DH and I grab breakfast and try to get a cab to the Drs. office, but couldn’t get one. Panicked, we hopped on an express bus (we had about 25 min to get there) – OMG, express my you know what! We weren’t moving. After about 20 blocks and 15 minutes we get off the bus ‘cause we noticed a bunch of available cabs driving by. Thankfully we got a cab and arrived at the Drs by 9:35 – 5 minutes late but right on time for when the Teach Class actually started. The class was- not gonna lie- overwhelming. Even with all I know about IVF from my own research, blogging, real life friends…nothing prepares you for the hour long PowerPoint/injection demonstration. They went through everything, and in my head I kept thinking-does this apply to me? this doesn’t sound like me? ok, yes I think I’m doing this! Shoot I think I’m doing this and I don’t want to!!!
Then we waited to meet 1-on-1 with a nurse. It’s during that time that I have a mental break down, start tearing, and tell my hubs that I’m quitting my job because there’s no way I can emotionally/mentally handle all that we’re about to do AND teach children. He said fine – did I mention that he’s unemployed right now – yeah, I can’t quit (even though he keeps saying I can…um, how will we pay any bills?…not wise).
So we meet nurse S who is very nice. She starts mapping out a meds calendar for us. We tell her we’re thinking of going away in February (omg- I need sun, beach and pina coladas…don’t even care if they’re virgin ones – just cold & with an umbrella) so we’d like to start the shots after we come back. She says no problem, they can put me on BCPs (Orthonovum) from NOW until then. PANIC PANIC PANIC. I HATE HATE HATE BCPs…I have the worst reaction to them – I gain 20 lbs – break out – and become a nutcase that should be locked up in a looney bin. She said it’s what I must do. I hold back the tears. She then maps out The Lupron, the Follistom, the Novarel, the Medrol, the Tetracycline and the Progesterone in oil. I stop her and ask, rather than those horribly huge and scary progesterone shots, can I do suppositories or something else instead – she says no, unless I have an allergic reaction to the shots (never in my life have I hoped to be allergic to something). During the Teach Class the nurse had said that we need to monitor for ovulation using an OPK – I mentioned to Nurse S that I always get false positives and she said that with PCOS I won’t need to do it – thank goodness, what a waste. Then we think I understand it all so she sends me on my way for the SIS and Sounding. I’m still a stressball.
I got to PIAC rather than POAS so they can check if I’m preggo before doing the test. I get on the table and it begins. Seriously, it was nothing – it felt the same as an IUI. I noticed that things were entering the “area”, but I hardly felt anything as the saline was being put in. I didn’t even know he did the sounding. I only felt a little cramping after the fact….and now, a few hours later, I feel a little lower tummy something – but that could be lunch.
Then I asked the Dr a few questions, like: To be safe, should hubs freeze a sample, incase the ‘day of’ sample isn’t any good, or if – God forbid – he can’t give one. (This has never happened, nor had it ever crossed his mind that this could be a possibility, but now that I’VE put it in his mind, it may freak him out). Doc said it’s not necessary, but it can’t hurt…I translate that as “WE’RE DOING IT!” Then I say, is there a very low dose BCP I can take since I go bonkers and will be on it for so long…and then he says the magic words…I can shorten how long you take it – It will be for only 2 weeks. AHH!!!! Angels sang at that moment. Even the Progesterone shots seemed do-able in that moment! Who would have thought that most of my IVF anxiety would come from the fear that I had to take BCPs?! I know – I am NOT the norm.
That news led to me meeting with Nurse S again – this would be the 3rd calendar she made for me…and I’m quite sure I’ve been labeled “needy, crazy patient”. But I don’t care – I have millions of questions and I’m not gonna stop asking them till I feel comfortable!
Anyway – to wrap up the day, I met with billing and insurance people and basically I don’t have to do anything but order meds until the end of February. Phew…I made it through today! (and YOU made it through this post!)
January 12, 2010 – IVF Prep Time!
Tomorrow’s kind of a big day…I’ll have lots to report after (I would think anyway). I start the day going to the new clinic for a generic IVF “Teach Class”. Then DH and I get a 1-on-1 tutorial about giving the meds/shots with a nurse. Then, around noon, I meet with the doc to have a SIS (saline infusion sonogram) and sounding (I think). I read up on it, and it doesn’t seem as bad as what I’ve heard about HSG’s (hysterosalpingogram) but I’m still really scared – can’t help it. It certainly doesn’t seem like fun. Lastly DH is seeing a reproductive urologist. Don’t know what’s gonna come of that since we’re doing IVF w/ICSI anyway – but it can’t hurt.
So that’s that. Still dealing with the insurance company… Apparently my old place didn’t send “Day 2” monitoring results with the rest of my records, which are required for pre-certification. So DH called today and somehow got them to fax them over on the same day – he is a miracle worker. I’ll drop them off tomorrow too. I stopped taking the Metformin 4 times a day. I started waking up with a firey sensation in my esophagus a few nights week. NOT WORTH IT! Plus the doctor said I could stick to 3 times a day if it was too much…IT WAS TOO MUCH!!! FIRE IN THE ESOPHAGUS!!!
So not much else to report – pretty bust for being on a break, huh?
January 5, 2010 – Inspiring A New Blogger Award
While I’m on this TTC break, I’ve had time to think about other things – but of course it always comes back to infertility. I have a great husband and great friends and family to talk to about it all…but it’s really you all…you who read my blog and have blogs of your own that let me know that I’m not alone and that you understand EXACTLY what I’m going through. So I designed a new award to thank the blogger who inspired me to write my own. I stumbled upon her blog over the summer and was SO SO SO excited to find someone I could relate to. She became pregnant with TWINS and I am beyond happy for her. So the blogger I want to bestow my new award on is Eve from Infertility Rocks! Please check out her blog (and if you’re new to TTC read her archives for some great posts about some of the things you’ll go through) and feel free to award it to a blogger that may have inspired you to start blogging! No big rules, just post it saying who it’s for and a link to their blog and of course, let the awardee know
I Inspired A New Blogger Award!
(If you’re wondering, I took this picture on my honeymoon in Maui, Hawaii).
January 1, 2010 – Happy New Year!
I’m so happy to be reading everyone’s blog…everyone has such a positive outlook for the New Year AND some of you have some great news to report…like BFPs and new TTC protocols!!! Not gonna lie – I’m kinda in a funk, but I think it’s over having to go back to work, not about TTC…so rather than kill this chipper New Year’s vibe, I’m gonna go – just wishing you all the best in 2010!!!
December 29, 2009 – Happy Holidays!
I’m over being annoyed for now. Sorry to wait so long to post – but as I’m sure you can imagine, with the holidays and everything, I was crazy. Not gonna lie, this was probably the worst Christmas I’ve EVER had…divorced parents issues…and, OH YEAH, we don’t have a baby. If we conceived on our 1st try we would’ve been expecting a baby now…but anyway, Christmas was 3 days ago and today is today.
I’m on vacation this week and all I’ve done is sleep. Seriously, I wake up for about 3 hours in the morning and then sleep for another 3 hours and then I eat dinner and am in bed by 10?!?! Don’t know what’s going on there. Plus I’ve been having HORRIBLE dreams, DH had to wake me up ‘cause I was screaming last night. I have to make myself stay up and CLEAN – it is emergency cleaning time. Plus, now I’m on a new kick where I feel we have to move. I actually went and looked at 3 apartments today. I didn’t like the 1st 2, but LOVED the 3rd one. Only thing is that it’s in a TOTALLY different neighborhood and not too close to the subways – but it’s HUGE and zoned for a good school…that’s right SCHOOL, because we will be parents, I don’t know when, but I’m preparing for it. My children will have a nice sized bedroom, a great school to go to, and a PLAYROOM in the basement of the building (if we buy the one I saw today, lol). This is my way of staying optimistic. “If you build it they will come” as the saying goes.
Otherwise not much to report. Called the clinic yesterday about insurance pre-certification for IVF – of course didn’t hear back – will have to call again tomorrow…and that’s that! I’ve been checking up on all of you in my blogroll…hope we’re all on our way to a fantastic 2010!
December 20, 2009 – I’m Annoyed
I’m annoyed – at what, I don’t really know…practically everything…I’ve been in such a mood lately, that’s why I haven’t written anything – but I have been keeping up with all of you (not annoyed at you).
I don’t know what it is. I did go to the new clinic on Friday. They’re supposedly the best. At first the doctor rubbed me the wrong way- but then he was fine. You’d think that since now I’m in the works to start IVF in a few months I should be happy – but I’m stressed out – and that’s not good.
I think part of it is, is that I don’t want to be in this position. I just want to be “normal”…have sex, have baby – DONE…but instead I have to go through a million tests and procedures and worry about genetics and morality and all this stuff…it’s too much! I am one of those people who believe that life begins when sperm and egg meet, my husband and I’m sure many of you are not. I feel that’s fine as long as we all respect each other and our decisions. So the doctor’s all grumpy with me at first because I don’t want to meet with a genetic counselor now, instead of (if at all) after being pregnant. I won’t have an abortion and I won’t discard embryos…so why meet with the counselor and have them scare the pants off me and DH and then have DH and I at odds over embryo genetic testing. Again, if we just had sex and got pregnant that would be a non-issue! Then, I told him that even though the success rate is lower, that I only want them to try to fertilize 2 eggs…I know neither of them may fertilize, but I personally wouldn’t be able to discard extra embryos and my DH doesn’t want to freeze them…so we’re stuck with low chances and I’m annoyed- I’m annoyed that I’m in this position to have to make these choices. I’m annoyed that I believe what I believe – that sounds nuts – I KNOW! I don’t know – I’m tired, the doc raised my Meformin to 2000 mgs a day (4 pills) so I feel sick, I hate going to work, my apartment is a mess, I’m out of shape, I have nothing to wear for Christmas and I’m annoying all of you with my ramblings – sorry – and thank you for ‘listening’ to me vent…it really helps.
December 13, 2009 – When Life Gives You Lemons…Make Lemonade!
I am long overdue in thanking Liberal Granola Girl\’s Blog for this award. I am so thankful to have received it and am so thankful to have Liberal Granola Girl as one of my IF Blog friends. She is definitely someone who is dealing with a lot and has a great attitude and way of handling things – please read her blog!
The rules for this award:
Put the Lemonade logo on your blog or within your post.
Nominate at least 10 blogs with great attitude or gratitude.
Link the nominees within your post.
Let the nominees know they have received this award by commenting on their blog.
Share the love and link to the person from whom you received this award.
It’s really impossible for me to pick 10 blogs, so please know that if you’re reading my blog, I am grateful for you too, xoxo
Happy Holidays to anyone who’s celebrating!
December 12, 2009 – I Got Off the Couch!
So after a week of saying I was going to exercise…and then not – I finally went to the gym and tried out that couch to 5K program – it was great! DH did it with me which made it even more fun. I was hoping we’d be able to do this program outside, but it’s seriously too cold, so maybe I’ll actually use my gym membership!
It’s weird being on this break. Yesterday I told DH how strange it was to not be rushing to morning doctors appointments – I feel free somehow. I don’t know if it’s not being on those crazy meds, or just not stressing over appointments and rushing then to work, or not worrying about “is it working?” – but I actually kinda feel good…which of course leads me to feel conflicted. I start thinking “Don’t you want a baby so bad?! How can it feel good not doing something about it?!” but I have to remember that being in mental and (hopefully) physical shape is doing something towards it.
We have a holiday party today which I’m a little anxious about attending. The last time some of these people saw me (they’re DH’s friends) was a year and 50 lbs ago at my wedding. It’s gonna be hard to be like – yeah, married a year, fat, and not pregnant. I’m gonna have to purposely drink wine or something to hush any whispering about whether the weight is pregnancy weight…and then if they ask “When are you guys gonna have kids?”…I’m going to direct them to my husband and he can say what he wants.
Ok- off to take a quick nap
December 9, 2009 – Not Much Going On
This has been the slowest moving week, and I’m not even enduring the 2WW! Not much to report. Sadly I haven’t started exercising like I wanted to yet, but DH and I plan to tonight. My friend at “lifebytheday” put up a great post, Couch potato no more!, with a link to a running/walking exercise program. I’m gonna start it tonight.
The holidays have started taking over and I’ve been shopping and planning and scheduling…and oh yeah, there’s that whole work thing too…so that’s about it. I’m happy to be able to catch up and read all your blogs tonight!
December 7, 2009 – The Break Begins
Hi everyone! I first just want to say how grateful I am for all the comments you’ve written about this last BFN. They are so supportive and mean so much, especially since I know all of you are going through so much too.
So, we’re officially on a break. Well, we’re gonna meet a new doctor and have some tests done – but as for assisted TTC – we’re on a break. That means…
• I’ve taken Nyquil
• I’ve done crunches
• I’ve had a glass of wine with dinner
• I’m gonna start EXERCISING without fear of disrupting implantation
OH THE LIFE I’M GONNA HAVE!!!!
I was gonna start exercising today – but it didn’t happen…tomorrow it is! I’m hoping the holidays will keep me busy…then IVF for February!
December 5, 2009 – It Officially Didn’t Work
Yesterday I waited all day for the clinic to call me with the results. By 3:30 I hadn’t heard anything (and their call line closes at 4, and you always have to wait about 15- 20 minutes to get through) so I decided to call. After waiting for about 15 minutes a nurse gets on and says “I’m so sorry, the test came back negative.” I said “ok” or something and then she said bye and hung up…she didn’t even give me a chance to breathe or remember that I need them to call in a refill for my Metformin. I’m done with that place. I don’t blame them for my not being pregnant, I just don’t like how they run things.
So December 18th is our new start at a new clinic. We’ll take a month or 2 off to get organized and get a little back in shape and then we’ll begin the IVF. I have to be very hopeful about the IVF, cause after that I don’t think there’s anything left to try to have a baby that grows inside of me. I could still be a mom, I know that – but IVF looks like our last shot. I NEVER EVER NEVER thought it was going to come to this.
December 3, 2009 – You won’t believe it – I didn’t go…
You won’t believe it – but this morning we woke up to go for the BETA…I POAS as I do every morning – negative – and I was too tired to go on. I had been up all night with a horrible sore throat, runny nose and cough – and I was just too tired to get ready, go over there and then have a full day of work. Don’t worry, we’re going tomorrow – thank you all so much for your positive comments – I feel like I let you all down by not going…I mean what kind of IFer DOESN’T go for her BETA test?!?! Sorry everyone…but at 15dpo with BFNs everyday, I felt like 1 more day would be fine…like, let the hcg build up or something
