December 29, 2009 – Happy Holidays!
I’m over being annoyed for now. Sorry to wait so long to post – but as I’m sure you can imagine, with the holidays and everything, I was crazy. Not gonna lie, this was probably the worst Christmas I’ve EVER had…divorced parents issues…and, OH YEAH, we don’t have a baby. If we conceived on our 1st try we would’ve been expecting a baby now…but anyway, Christmas was 3 days ago and today is today.
I’m on vacation this week and all I’ve done is sleep. Seriously, I wake up for about 3 hours in the morning and then sleep for another 3 hours and then I eat dinner and am in bed by 10?!?! Don’t know what’s going on there. Plus I’ve been having HORRIBLE dreams, DH had to wake me up ‘cause I was screaming last night. I have to make myself stay up and CLEAN – it is emergency cleaning time. Plus, now I’m on a new kick where I feel we have to move. I actually went and looked at 3 apartments today. I didn’t like the 1st 2, but LOVED the 3rd one. Only thing is that it’s in a TOTALLY different neighborhood and not too close to the subways – but it’s HUGE and zoned for a good school…that’s right SCHOOL, because we will be parents, I don’t know when, but I’m preparing for it. My children will have a nice sized bedroom, a great school to go to, and a PLAYROOM in the basement of the building (if we buy the one I saw today, lol). This is my way of staying optimistic. “If you build it they will come” as the saying goes.
Otherwise not much to report. Called the clinic yesterday about insurance pre-certification for IVF – of course didn’t hear back – will have to call again tomorrow…and that’s that! I’ve been checking up on all of you in my blogroll…hope we’re all on our way to a fantastic 2010!
December 20, 2009 – I’m Annoyed
I’m annoyed – at what, I don’t really know…practically everything…I’ve been in such a mood lately, that’s why I haven’t written anything – but I have been keeping up with all of you (not annoyed at you).
I don’t know what it is. I did go to the new clinic on Friday. They’re supposedly the best. At first the doctor rubbed me the wrong way- but then he was fine. You’d think that since now I’m in the works to start IVF in a few months I should be happy – but I’m stressed out – and that’s not good.
I think part of it is, is that I don’t want to be in this position. I just want to be “normal”…have sex, have baby – DONE…but instead I have to go through a million tests and procedures and worry about genetics and morality and all this stuff…it’s too much! I am one of those people who believe that life begins when sperm and egg meet, my husband and I’m sure many of you are not. I feel that’s fine as long as we all respect each other and our decisions. So the doctor’s all grumpy with me at first because I don’t want to meet with a genetic counselor now, instead of (if at all) after being pregnant. I won’t have an abortion and I won’t discard embryos…so why meet with the counselor and have them scare the pants off me and DH and then have DH and I at odds over embryo genetic testing. Again, if we just had sex and got pregnant that would be a non-issue! Then, I told him that even though the success rate is lower, that I only want them to try to fertilize 2 eggs…I know neither of them may fertilize, but I personally wouldn’t be able to discard extra embryos and my DH doesn’t want to freeze them…so we’re stuck with low chances and I’m annoyed- I’m annoyed that I’m in this position to have to make these choices. I’m annoyed that I believe what I believe – that sounds nuts – I KNOW! I don’t know – I’m tired, the doc raised my Meformin to 2000 mgs a day (4 pills) so I feel sick, I hate going to work, my apartment is a mess, I’m out of shape, I have nothing to wear for Christmas and I’m annoying all of you with my ramblings – sorry – and thank you for ‘listening’ to me vent…it really helps.
December 13, 2009 – When Life Gives You Lemons…Make Lemonade!
I am long overdue in thanking Liberal Granola Girl\’s Blog for this award. I am so thankful to have received it and am so thankful to have Liberal Granola Girl as one of my IF Blog friends. She is definitely someone who is dealing with a lot and has a great attitude and way of handling things – please read her blog!
The rules for this award:
Put the Lemonade logo on your blog or within your post.
Nominate at least 10 blogs with great attitude or gratitude.
Link the nominees within your post.
Let the nominees know they have received this award by commenting on their blog.
Share the love and link to the person from whom you received this award.
It’s really impossible for me to pick 10 blogs, so please know that if you’re reading my blog, I am grateful for you too, xoxo
Happy Holidays to anyone who’s celebrating!
December 12, 2009 – I Got Off the Couch!
So after a week of saying I was going to exercise…and then not – I finally went to the gym and tried out that couch to 5K program – it was great! DH did it with me which made it even more fun. I was hoping we’d be able to do this program outside, but it’s seriously too cold, so maybe I’ll actually use my gym membership!
It’s weird being on this break. Yesterday I told DH how strange it was to not be rushing to morning doctors appointments – I feel free somehow. I don’t know if it’s not being on those crazy meds, or just not stressing over appointments and rushing then to work, or not worrying about “is it working?” – but I actually kinda feel good…which of course leads me to feel conflicted. I start thinking “Don’t you want a baby so bad?! How can it feel good not doing something about it?!” but I have to remember that being in mental and (hopefully) physical shape is doing something towards it.
We have a holiday party today which I’m a little anxious about attending. The last time some of these people saw me (they’re DH’s friends) was a year and 50 lbs ago at my wedding. It’s gonna be hard to be like – yeah, married a year, fat, and not pregnant. I’m gonna have to purposely drink wine or something to hush any whispering about whether the weight is pregnancy weight…and then if they ask “When are you guys gonna have kids?”…I’m going to direct them to my husband and he can say what he wants.
Ok- off to take a quick nap 
December 9, 2009 – Not Much Going On
This has been the slowest moving week, and I’m not even enduring the 2WW! Not much to report. Sadly I haven’t started exercising like I wanted to yet, but DH and I plan to tonight. My friend at “lifebytheday” put up a great post, Couch potato no more!, with a link to a running/walking exercise program. I’m gonna start it tonight.
The holidays have started taking over and I’ve been shopping and planning and scheduling…and oh yeah, there’s that whole work thing too…so that’s about it. I’m happy to be able to catch up and read all your blogs tonight!
December 7, 2009 – The Break Begins
Hi everyone! I first just want to say how grateful I am for all the comments you’ve written about this last BFN. They are so supportive and mean so much, especially since I know all of you are going through so much too.
So, we’re officially on a break. Well, we’re gonna meet a new doctor and have some tests done – but as for assisted TTC – we’re on a break. That means…
• I’ve taken Nyquil
• I’ve done crunches
• I’ve had a glass of wine with dinner
• I’m gonna start EXERCISING without fear of disrupting implantation
OH THE LIFE I’M GONNA HAVE!!!!
I was gonna start exercising today – but it didn’t happen…tomorrow it is! I’m hoping the holidays will keep me busy…then IVF for February!
December 5, 2009 – It Officially Didn’t Work
Yesterday I waited all day for the clinic to call me with the results. By 3:30 I hadn’t heard anything (and their call line closes at 4, and you always have to wait about 15- 20 minutes to get through) so I decided to call. After waiting for about 15 minutes a nurse gets on and says “I’m so sorry, the test came back negative.” I said “ok” or something and then she said bye and hung up…she didn’t even give me a chance to breathe or remember that I need them to call in a refill for my Metformin. I’m done with that place. I don’t blame them for my not being pregnant, I just don’t like how they run things.
So December 18th is our new start at a new clinic. We’ll take a month or 2 off to get organized and get a little back in shape and then we’ll begin the IVF. I have to be very hopeful about the IVF, cause after that I don’t think there’s anything left to try to have a baby that grows inside of me. I could still be a mom, I know that – but IVF looks like our last shot. I NEVER EVER NEVER thought it was going to come to this.
December 3, 2009 – You won’t believe it – I didn’t go…
You won’t believe it – but this morning we woke up to go for the BETA…I POAS as I do every morning – negative – and I was too tired to go on. I had been up all night with a horrible sore throat, runny nose and cough – and I was just too tired to get ready, go over there and then have a full day of work. Don’t worry, we’re going tomorrow – thank you all so much for your positive comments – I feel like I let you all down by not going…I mean what kind of IFer DOESN’T go for her BETA test?!?! Sorry everyone…but at 15dpo with BFNs everyday, I felt like 1 more day would be fine…like, let the hcg build up or something
November 30, 2009 – 12 dpo…spotting and BFN
Thanks everyone for all of your positive comments! I know I keep writing in the “maybe /maybe not” voice, but I have to incase things don’t turn out as planned. I’m so close to Beta it’s driving me nuts!!! How do we survive these 2WWs – it’s unreal!!!
Just last night I started to have some sore BB, but of course AF could be on her way –plus it only lasted for about 10 minutes…Think positive! Think positive!
Today I got to work and during my bathroom break saw pink on the TP – I started to cry. I know it could be implantation bleeding, but I’ve had this happen right around this day every other time and the results have not been so great. Now tonight it’s red on the TP – not happy.
I went out and bought that ornament I love so much (see Nov. 19th post). Baby Baker’s My Fertility post inspired me to. The ornament says “Mom to Be” and that’s what I am. I may or may not have a baby growing inside right now – but I will be a mom – so I bought it.
OK- I’m gonna post this and then do some online shopping to take my mind off of things – I’ll be checking in with you all soon.
November 29, 2009 – 10 & 11 DPO symptoms and BFN
I know it’s still early – but MAN I HATE BFNs. I feel like I’ve had so many symptoms, but they could all be mental, or something else. I’m just still so hopeful that each time I get AF I’m crushed! So here’s the symptoms the past few days: crazy dreams, CM, thirsty, SO TIRED and yesterday I had awful pain on my right side – so much so that as I was walking home with DH I had to stop, I had horrible cramps and I thought I was going to throw up. I started crying, it was weird, so we took a cab home instead. I rested for a while and then felt better. The rest of the night I had a stitch in my side and I still kinda have it this morning.
In a strange way, I’ve had opposite symptoms too…my face is clearing up a little and I’m not as bloated.
I know, not a very interesting update. Just thought I’d throw out some symptoms for other 2WWers to obsess over.
I guess I could share part of the weird dreams I had – here’s some parts I remember…
-So most of them have to do with people in my past, like elementary school past. I remember I was riding in a limo with them somewhere- weird…did I mention I never got along with these people?
-Another piece was, I was trying to get into a knitting class at NYU (what?!) and then decided I wanted to get a second Masters, but the interviewer was an old restaurant manager of mine and he couldn’t finish the interview because his 8 year old just broke up with his girlfriend. Then I got home (to a house I never saw before) and told my mom I wanted to go back to school and my mom freaked out and said NO (which she’d never do). She wanted to know why I wanted to change what I was doing and that she never had to go and spend so much money on school (again, my parents would never say this to me, they are supportive of everything, in every way). Then I yelled back “because all I want is to be a mom and that’s not happening – you are living my dream!” (aha! infertility has crossed over into my dreams.) Then AF came – in a very heavy, scary way. (TMI, even for a dream, sorry)
-last memory of the dreams: DH and I are living somewhere (I don’t know where) and apparently I’m also renting out a hotel room that cost $145 a night (why I remember that, IDK) so that I can keep my stuff there – because I am a slob (I’m not really a slob, I’m sort of a hoarder)…but then as the dream goes on, months go by and I forget about the hotel room – until I finally remember it and how much it’s costing me-so we have to drive over there and clear it out – but it’s an impossible task, so we just keep the room for longer.
Ok- please don’t think I’m insane – just thought I’d share a little of the CRAZINESS of my dreams the last 2 nights!
November 26, 2009 – Happy Thanksgiving!
Happy Thanksgiving everyone! I hope you all have a wonderful IF-free day!!!
November 24, 2009 – 6 dpo – Waiting is the hardest thing to do
I broke down and bought some HPTs – I need to know when the Ovidrel is out of me…I’ll test tomorrow morning, that’s pretty good holding out for me – 7 days!!! Symptoms are the same, meaningless. Well, I actually have 2 kinda new things, I’ve been craving cheese and mashed potatoes and I periodically feel a little uneasy(DH says I’m always like this, lol). However, no BB symptoms, which is the main thing I read about on-line, so who knows.
I freaked out a little today…I sat down in a huff and really jolted my body. I got so upset, not that by bottom hurt, but that maybe I shook so hard I inhibited implantation – I actually started to cry and then prayed to God that I didn’t mess things up and apologized to my maybe baby…um…if this cycle doesn’t work a break is DEFINITELY in order.
Can’t wait for Thanksgiving and 2 extra days off! Hope you all have great turkey day plans!
November 23, 2009 – RE Meeting, next steps…maybe, (hopefully) maybe not
DH and I met with the RE today to discuss what we’ll do next if this cycle doesn’t work – I’m hoping it was one of those things where you make an elaborate plan and then don’t have to use it. It appears that I’ve ovulated each cycle, so that’s a good thing, since because of PCOS I usually didn’t. Now it appears that DH’s sperm may be the issue. He has a good amount, but a low percent motility and morphology. RE thinks that to do IUI with injectables isn’t the best idea, and I agree. With the sperm issues, we may as well go right to IVF, also having polycystic ovaries could be bad with injectables (think Jon & Kate).
He wants me to get a sonogram of my uterus. I don’t need the tube test since with IVF it doesn’t matter. We also have a take a teaching class on injecting. We’re gonna wait a bit though. It’s still 9 days till BETA (I’M DYING FROM THE WAITING), and we have an appointment on Dec. 18th at the new clinic. I think once we get the info from the new place, we’ll decide where we want to do the IVF and start in January…leaving me medication free (almost, he wants me to stay on Metformin, but I can lower the dose) for the holidays. I don’t really want to take a break, but I think it may be best. I need a break. . .changing to a positive outlook – I could be PG, so forget all this!
November 22, 2009 – 4 DPO and I’ve Resisted Testing!
My birthday weekend is over. My DH was wonderful, but all the other festivities weren’t so much fun. I don’t know if it really wasn’t great or just my crazy emotions…like we were going out to dinner with friends and I had reserved a table in a particular section of the restaurant, but when we got there people were sitting there, so I started to cry when I talked to the manager…I mean really?!?! That’s insane.
So that leads me to my 4 DPO symptoms, which as we all know could very well be AF signs. I have been CRANKY, lots of CM, very slightly sore BB, and off and on cramps. So who knows? I won’t test though, not even to check if the Ovidrel is out of me, like I did last time. (I’m saying this now – we’ll see how long I hold out.)
November 19, 2009 – 2WW’s official start!
Ah – My first day clinic free after going there 4 weekdays in a row! And how do I spend it…obsessing! I’ll just share 2 quick stories about things I’m thinking about:
1. DH and I get home the other night and the night doorman said we had a package. I go to get it and he says “No, let your husband carry it, you’re pregnant.”
I look at him dead in the eye and say “I can carry it. I’m not pregnant, I’m just fat.” Thanks IF meds, I get look PG without the benefits (yet).
2. I’m in Hallmark and I see all the Christmas ornaments. I WANT to buy this one:
(Hallmark's Mom-to-be Angel, Licence to Crave Ornament)
I will hold off until I’m actually PG…but they could be sold out by then – and I really want it…that ornament looks so happy
Thanks so much everyone, for sending me so much good luck!!!
November 18, 2009 – IUIing again
We did the back to back IUI today – and it went much smoother AND quicker than yesterday. Again, DH had great numbers…so I’m hoping this is it! Yesterday I stayed home in bed resting all day, today I went to work. I freaked out a little (get ready for tmi) as half way during the day there was some blood on the TP…I think I read somewhere that could be normal after an IUI – I hope so…it just didn’t happen the 1st 2 cycles so I was a little freaked.
Here’s a strange thing – a girl I went to college with sent me a message on facebook saying that she thought she read somewhere that I was expecting, so she was checking in. Now, I appreciate her checking in on me, as we haven’t really been in touch in years, but what strange timing. I wrote her back that no we’re not, but that I hope what she thought she remembered was really a premonition!
So, now I’m waiting. I have bad cramps from time to time on my right side – I hope that’s good…I’ll keep you posted!
SURPRISE – IUI #3 Today!
Well after all the drama of my last post, I think I’ll spare you the ridiculousness of how we got to today – but I’m sure you can imagine. Long story short (after many mis-communications AGAIN) – DH gave me the Ovidrel last night and we went in this morning for an IUI! I’m really hopeful about this one. The washed sperm was the highest count we’ve had so far PLUS we’re going in tomorrow for another IUI…and then on the “spiritual” level…my grandma who passed away in September would’ve been celebrating her 96th birthday tomorrow…when she died I was given a birthstone necklace of hers since my birthday is Saturday – we were November birthday buddies. Anyway, I’m wearing that necklace all this week, and whether or not we get a BFP I feel she is with me.
I’ve always had a special connection with my grandma (I think everyone did) – but I always found it interesting that she had her 1st pregnancy at the age of 29…that was old back then AND she had twins!…then she didn’t have kids for another 10 years, when she had 2, one year after another. She never said she had problems conceiving, but maybe she did…either way she’s gonna be looking out for me – I know it!
PS – On a random blogging note: I know that sometimes I reference older posts, but just yesterday I realized that when someone tries to click on the October calendar, all my sidebar info and the calendar disappears – does anyone know how to fix this? I’ve read the support page for hours!
3WW begins!
Hi! So I know it’s been a few days…but it’s my DH and my 1st Wedding Anniversary today! So we sort of made a weekend of it…went out to dinner & then to a Broadway show on Friday…out to dinner Saturday at the place we got married …and now we’re spending today relaxing…later we may go out to eat again and then we’ll try to eat our old wedding cake top – hope it doesn’t poison us!
About my 3WW: I went to the RE on Friday morning. The Dr. there said my lining is good and there’s 2 growing follies on my right side, one 1.3cm and another 1.2. Then she sent me to talk to the nurse…who, like the during the 1st cycle, told me the wrong info about following the OPK and only doing the Ovidrel if nothing happens – I almost lost it on her. WHY MUST I RE-EXPLAIN EVERYTHING, EVERYTIME I GO – WRITE IT DOWN!!!! So she told me to wait while she checked on it…I told her I had to leave for work and she should call me. Later that day she left me a message saying to do the Ovidrel AND that they found out my blood type is Rh negative, so my DH should come in to be tested for his blood type. AGAIN – I almost lost it. They want me to do the Ovidrel on CD 14, whereas last time it was CD12…so is that too late, could I be missing it? Shouldn’t I come in for monitoring like last time to see how the follies are doing? AND they did the blood type test in AUGUST!!!! Why, November 13th are they telling me about this – what if the 1st 2 cycles had worked and I was PG already and had positive blood anti bodies, or whatever it means, killing my unborn baby?!?! THANK GOD I have an appointment at a different clinic in December.
I called the nurse back. She wasn’t in, so I left a message with my concerns. She called me back later saying that she checked with the director of the clinic, and he said to come in Monday for monitoring and we’ll take it from there, also if my OPK says I ovulated, to come in, but to request an ultra sound 1st, so they can determine if the follie was big enough for it to have actually ovulated. I made her promise to leave a huge note in my file saying they would do this, because during the 1st cycle I came in for an IUI because the OPK said I ovulated, asked for an ultra sound and they said NO. Deep breaths, deep breaths…
If this IUI cycle doesn’t work, I think we’re definitely moving on to IVF. I’m staying hopeful that we’ll get that BFP, but if not, I can’t deal with this timing thing OR the fact that no there seems to know anything about how people with PCOS work! Sorry for the venting – and I hope no one ever has to go through this chaos!!! Thank goodness I had such a fantastic anniversary weekend so that I wasn’t OCD about all of this!
1,000 Views!
Before I start, I’d like to recognize that it’s Veteran’s Day, and I’d like to thank everyone who serves our country. I’m happy that we take this day to honor them.
Something that happened yesterday, is that (according to my stats) I’ve had 1,000 views! I just want to thank everyone for checking in all the time and reading my blog. It really is helping me along this IF journey.
What’s been on my mind today, is how people in real life respond to the fact that DH and I have been trying to conceive for 9 months without any luck. Lately, situations have come up, where I’ve shared this info – and everyone’s reactions are so different. I’m in no way complaining about their reactions, and I love their support and love, it’s just interesting. It seems to range from “OMG, I’m so sorry” to the “That’s so exciting that your trying!” Then there’s always that in between, “It will happen when the time is right” – I don’t buy that one at all. I don’t know why, but it doesn’t sit well with me – in a way it makes me think, “Well what the heck is coming up that wouldn’t be good for a baby? Are we gonna go bankrupt? Is one of us gonna get seriously sick?” I mean if it’s not happening for a reason or the time isn’t right, some seriously bad sh*t must be heading my way. OK- I’ll get off that line of thought, as I know the people who say it have no intention of making me think that way.
So that’s what’s been on my mind. Don’t go in for monitoring until Friday – so I definitely fill you in on that AND whatever else is filtering through my head!
