Still Waiting For My Sunshine…my journey with PCOS, infertility and now: twin pregnancy

2013 in review

The stats helper monkeys prepared a 2013 annual report for this blog.

Here’s an excerpt:

A New York City subway train holds 1,200 people. This blog was viewed about 5,300 times in 2013. If it were a NYC subway train, it would take about 4 trips to carry that many people.

Click here to see the complete report.

2012 in review

The stats helper monkeys prepared a 2012 annual report for this blog.

I’m only posting it to say THANK YOU to everyone who either has been checking in to see how I’m doing or stumbled on me for the first time.

My hope in starting the blog was to share my experiences with others and to provide comfort or at least a sense that you’re not alone- just like so many blogs have done for me.

My babies are now 2 and doing well. We did 3FETs this pass year, 2 didn’t work at all and 1 was a chemical pregnancy. Now we’re dealing with what to do next or to stop.  Basically I’m all for doing this again.  My 2 kids (yes kids, not babies) were worth every single second of the misery. DH isn’t so sure.  For now I’m working on getting myself back in shape – gained 30 pounds while doing the FETs so my body is not in the prime shape it needs to be.  Not talking super model, talking not 200 lbs.  I can’t believe I’m that much.  I was a skinny bride at 135 lbs 4 years ago.  But anyway, gonna focus on health, fitmess and uncluttering my home…maybe there’s something to the idea of making room for a baby and then it will come- who knows.  I am well though, even after a rough FET year.

I wish the best to EVERYONE at every stage of their journey.  Sending love out into the universe to you all! XOXO

Here’s an excerpt:

600 people reached the top of Mt. Everest in 2012. This blog got about 4,100 views in 2012. If every person who reached the top of Mt. Everest viewed this blog, it would have taken 7 years to get that many views.

Click here to see the complete report.

May 9, 2012 – Back for a minute

I wasn’t sure for a long time if I could ever come back to this blog.  It’s a weird thing.  This blog and the blogs I followed along my TTC journey brought me so much strength and comfort – and then I just abandoned it all…and the longer I stayed away the harder it was to come back.  I think it’s that I don’t know how to say exactly what I’m feeling.  I want to share my joy, but at the same time don’t want to make anyone else feel bad….and even though I feel as though I am the luckiest mother alive, there is still a part of me that has such pain from all we went through and I have a hard time dealing with it- like WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME- just be happy and let the past go.

I will report that I now have two beautiful children – over a year old now.  I will not lie to you – I literally, outloud, thank God EVERY single day for them.  I do not have a single complaint about motherhood.  Yes, I am tired all the time, but I was tired all the time before they were born, so I guess that’s just the way it goes for me.  Everyday my kids amaze me and put a beaming smile on my face.  Even when they are screaming their heads off, I hold them and thank God that I have the priveledge of loving them.  I am literally crying as I write this – see why I haven’t been back…

I checked in today – and saw that people are still reading my blog- and I couldn’t be happier – I hope that I am helping people along their journey.  That is one of the reasons I started this blog.  I read so many other people’s stories and don’t think I would’ve gotten through it all without them- that’s why I was inspired to start my own. (I also created the I Inspired A New Blogger Award because of it- please pass it on to the person that inspired you.)

So, I thought maybe you’ve come to my blog or maybe you followed me years ago and were wondering the end story…here it is.. I have twin babies that truly are my sunshine.  If you’re wondering if IF issues go away after you have kids- yes and no.  I literally have forgotton the pain of the treatments and the complications I had- seriously-it plays like a movie and I can’t feel anything.  Issues I didn’t think about have come up…like I’ve made some wonderful new mommy friends…and, having twins, almost everyone asks you if you did IVF- and since I hardly knew them at first I said NO, so now I feel like I’ve lied to my friends, which I have.  Why did I lie?  I never thought I would.  I am actually proud of all my DH and I have done to create this family of ours.  It’s just that all of a sudden, when person after person asked me if they were “natural” or not, I realized my answer wasn’t just about what I went through, but perhaps how the absolute joys of my life would be perceived and I wanted to protect them from any negativity.  I will defintiely tell them when they are older.  When I teach the birds and the bees I will also add in that there’s more than one way to make a baby….and what about my frozen embies?  omg- how i never thought how i’d tell them should they, God willing survive,  that I FROZE them for a few years.  Now I hope I’m not upsetting anyone with this post- maybe that’s why it’s taken me so long to write it.  It’s just that all these feeling have come up for me and perhaps they have for some of you too.

As DH and I contemplate when we want to try to have more children I once again get so emotional.  Not about going through the treatments, I know now that those hard moments will pass.  I think about how badly I want more children and I cry.  I will not feel “complete” without more – but seriously, I would never want my babies to think they weren’t enough.  They are perfect- they are my dream come true.  It is very very conflicting. I almost didn’t have them and here I am asking for more – I feel greedy.  I feel bad for even possibly complaining about it.  I hate infertility- hate it.  For now it is still a huge part of me – I pray that one day I will be free of it – and I pray that for all the women who long to be mothers that they will be able to- and that wether they do or wether they cannot – that the pain of infertility will be so distant a memory for them that it is as if it never was.

Sending love out into the universe for all those who need it.



Flu Shot Advice

Bad Blogger Reena here…sorry. I’m actually halfway through a post about my surgery, but I keep crying as I write it, so I keep having to stop. So I’m cutting in with a request for advice:

Has anyone who has gone through infertility and then gotten pregnant had the flu shot? I am a nervous wreck. I’ve never had the flu shot or the flu before. On one hand I don’t want to get the shot – because if I ever had a miscarriage or preterm labor due to it I literally don’t know what I would do. I would need to be sedated in a hospital for the rest of my life – and I’m not joking. On the other hand, if I don’t get the shot and get the flu, since being pregnant lowers your immune system, and then I have horrible complications from the flu and wind up losing the babies or worse – dying…clearly that wouldn’t sit well with me either.  I’ve read so much about it and I just don’t know who to believe.  I’d love personal experiences to be shared.  (Not to be a pain, but please limit comments that address this particular problem, I know there is a lot of debate about vaccines and at this time I’m not looking to stir up that debate-thank you).

October 10, 2010 – Gross Hospital Pics

So here’s 2 pics of the bloody bathroom – don’t know why Ifeel the need to share, lol.  We took them with the camera phone, so it doesn’t really capture the nastiness of it all.  The floors were brown so it’s hard to see…

If you didn’t read my last post – no this is NOT my blood – this was already in the ER room before I arrived  – it was not cleaned before they put me there.

October 10, 2010 – Back to June

Ok- as promised, more of what happened in June. I wish I remembered it as well as back then, but I’ll do my best…
When we pulled up at the hospital I got out, and clutching my side and crying, made my way inside while DH parked the car. I could hardly talk, I was crying and moaning. The man at check in started to ask what was wrong and then immediately asked “Ma’am, are you pregnant?” How was I gonna answer that? “I think so,” I said. “I took a test this morning and it said I was.” Great. Now I’m the crazy lady who finds out she’s pregnant and immediately goes to the hospital at the first little pain…but this was not little. This was terrifying. All I could think was that something was going wrong and I was losing the babies or it was ectopic or who knows what.
As he was helping me fill out the registration forms, DH came in and a doctor called me back. He said he’d come to the emergency room. I met with the triage nurses and couldn’t even answer them – I was doubled over – then stretching out – all the time crying and screaming. They were not too pleased with me – but honestly there was nothing I could do about it.
I got wheeled to a private ER room and left for some time. The room was gross-it had its own bathroom and there was BLOOD all over the floor. DH kept trying to rub my back and side, but nothing was working. Then the pain would just sorta stop on its own only to come back 15 minutes later just as bad. My doctor wasn’t in that day but another two from the IVF clinic showed up. They were very nice – of course they didn’t know what it was right away. They said it could be ovarian torsion or bleeding in my ovary – as those sometimes happen after IVF, but they’d have to do an ultrasound. I literally waited HOURS for an ultrasound – apparently they only had 1 ultrasound cart and tech for the ER…and this is seriously the BEST hospital in NYC. CRAZY. In the meantime I screamed my head off – they had to close the door on me. They gave me morphine which did NOTHING to help. They didn’t want to give me anything stronger cause they confirmed by blood test that I was pregnant.
Finally the ultrasound tech came and did the ultrasound – blood was flowing into and out of my ovary, so that usually means it wasn’t torsion. Now they were stumped. They decided to admit me. They also wanted a urine sample…yeah, not happening in that blood covered bathroom – so had to walk through the ER to another bathroom w/ a pee cup – oh did I mention I had an IV at this point, OWWW-and an IV pole. When I got back they gave me a drug called Dilauded (can’t spell) which they said in small amounts was ok for pregnancy. Then I waited for my room to be ready. The drugs helped a little – I was no longer SCREAMING – but I was still in pain. I sent DH home to rest, cause he didn’t even have a chair to sit in. I said I’d call him when I got a room. I didn’t get the room till 1 or 2 in the morning – don’t remember. They put me in the labor and delivery wing, which was kinda weird, but I got my own room so that was nice. The beds SUCK there. They constantly move (I guess for circulation/bed sore purposes), so I don’t know how anyone would ever be able to sleep in them. I complained to my nurse, who was very nice. She didn’t know how to turn it off so she unplugged it (don’t know if that was ok), gave me more meds and I sort of fell asleep…
(I’m sure I’m forgetting some stuff – sorry. I will post the continuation soon)

October 8, 2010 – Back to Give Thanks and an Update

Let me start by saying “thank you, thank you, thank you!” to everyone for still checking in on me and thinking of me. I am so sorry that I “went away”. After the hospital drama (which I will tell you the ending of soon) I was so wiped out, I literally slept for weeks. Then “lovely” Time Warner Cable couldn’t fix my internet when it went out for almost 2 months, and still won’t compensate me properly (but that’s a story for another blog – I’m just upset that they have a monopoly here in NY, and my building is only wired for them). Then I went back to work teaching in September – which knocked me out- so the doctor now has me on modified bedrest and I now can fill you all in.
I am very happy to share that DH & I are still pregnant (19 weeks now) with twins. Those two little embies hung on through everything they were put through. I feel so blessed. I won’t lie, that having gone through all that we did to get here, I am a nervous wreck which I’m sure isn’t good – but I can’t help it. Every little pain, change – anything- and I start to worry. But overall, I am so elated and thankful.
I understand that it isn’t always easy reading about pregnancy issues when you’re trying so hard yourself to conceive, so I understand if not everyone’s gonna want to keep reading now that I’m back. I hope and pray every single person gets to where I am right now. I’m sure, as I’ve read from others who have gone on to get BFP’s that pregnancy after infertility is very different-so hopefully my blog now can transition to something about that.
Seriously – lots of love to you all. I will do my best to keep you posted – xoxoxo.

July 21, 2010 – I’m Back With My Scary Story and the Happiest News

 Hi!  I sincerely apologize for my long absence – I just haven’t had the energy to do anything.  It really means a lot to me that you continue to check in and leave comments. It may take time, but I will catch up with all of you. So even though June 20th (when I went in the hospital) was a month ago – I’m going to tell you my story in order…even if it takes a few days – so I don’t mean to leave you hanging in suspense – it just seems to make sense to tell it in order.

Sunday, June 20th, I woke up and of course had to POAS.  I was a little groggy, but as I rested the stick down on the counter I swore I saw a 2nd line right away.  I decided not to stare at it or pick it up until a full 5 minutes was up because I was afraid I’d ruin it.  So I finished up in the bathroom and then looked it – THERE WAS A FAINT 2nd LINE!!!!  My hands started to shake a little – I couldn’t believe it.  Here’s what it looks like:

(photo to come)

So I ran into the bedroom with the stick, woke up DH and, holding the stick up, said “Happy Father’s Day!”  I could hardly get the words out.  I started crying, I was so happy.  We kissed and I had tears streaming down, I was literally shaking, my nose started running – it must have been a sight.

I was so happy I didn’t know what to do with myself.  Maybe an hour later we decided to take a walk and get bagels for breakfast.  I was glowing.  I knew that it was a faint line and that I needed a blood test – and after that several more blood tests to be more confident, but for then, I was so happy.  We got to the bagel shop and got on line.  I started to have a bad cramp on my left side.  I told DH I had to sit down and that he should order…”oh those little babies snuggling in more” I thought.  We ate breakfast and walked home slowly.  I decided I should lie down.

I really don’t know how fast or slow it all came to pass, but the pain started to spread through my pelvis and down to my left knee.  It was excruciating yet, but I thought that it was weird for it to run down my whole left side.  I’m not the kind of person to call doctors right away; I usually wait to see if things will pass.  Now that I was “pregnant” I was more worried about the situation – we were not going to lose these babies (I will say “babies” until proven otherwise since we put 2 in).  I was also afraid to take anything, so I only took 1 Tylenol, which did nothing.  Finally I called my IVF Doctor, and of course, being Sunday, got the answering service.  So we waited to hear back.  After 20 minutes the pain got so bad I was crying and moaning and on the verge of screaming.  I called the answering service again and told them this was an emergency.  I told them I was going to go to the emergency room at the hospital my doctor was affiliated with.

I was freaking out.  I was in the most incredible pain.  I’ve also never been to the emergency room, so I was scared about what was going to happen.  DH went downstairs to get the car, and I took my time making my way down the stairs.  I ran into one of my neighbors, who I think I scared, and she was so kind in helping me and making sure I was ok.  I got into the car, reclined the seat all the way back so I was lying down and DH drove me to the hospital…

had emergency laparoscopic surgery late Wednesday, had ovarian torsian. recovering now. thank u for ur wonderful comments. will post the whole story soon. xo

my phone wont let me post properly.i’ve been in the hospital since sunday with acute abdomen pain. it could b kidney stones but they cant see it on ultra sound. they want to do MRI, but i’m scared. idont think it would be good for a waterfilled cluster of cells that could b my baby. so so scared.

June 19, 2010 – 7dp3dt

So here’s the update:  I CAN’T WAIT ANYMORE!!!!  I don’t feel anything – I guess I feel a little small something occasionally in my abdomen.  5dp3dt & today I’ve had some spotting – DEAR GOD PLEASE LET IT BE IMPLANTATION!  It happened last time too, so now I’m upset.

 I took a HPT yesterday, not looking for a BFP, just making sure all the HCG trigger was out of me, so that if I take a HPT in the next few days I’ll be sure the results are me and not the meds.

 I can’t thank you all enough for your comments – the advice and hopefulness is definitely seeing me through, xo

June 15, 2010 – 3dp3dt & Cryo Report

Any symptoms yet Reena?  Who knows?  Have some sensations on the lower sides of my abdomen…feels more like my ovaries than my uterus though.  Nothing else.

 The lab did call.  They were able to freeze 2 of the 3 remaining embryos.  I’m so happy that 2 of them made it.  I am very sad that one didn’t.  I decided to name my lost angel Lou.  My husband isn’t into naming them, but I am.  I named the 1st lost embie Angie.  I like feeling like I gave them a name, but then I feel bad that I didn’t name other ones that may have been (from natural trying or iui) that I don’t know about – it fills me with guilt. 

 I am staying positive for the 2 embryos inside of me…hopefully they’re at least blasts right now…right?  My 2 frozen embies have given me even more hope for this time…I mean, they were all fertilized the same day and they made to freeze today.

 One week, one day till Beta!

June 14, 2010 – The Embies

HAD THE WORST DAY AT WORK…have to look at these to keep happy…

Here’s a pic (not so great, from camera phone) of our 2 embies that hopefully are snuggling in right now!

Here’s a pic of the roses DH surprised me with when I got in the car after the transfer.

June 13, 2010 – Transfer #2 Complete

So, the transfer went well yesterday…we transferred 2 beautiful 8 celled embryos.  No pain…feeling good…just going a little nutty from bed rest.  Stayed in bed all day yesterday, and most of today (just went out for half hour for some air).  We’ll find out tomorrow or Tuesday if the other 3 embryos made it to freeze.

 I’m gonna go to work tomorrow, I’ll just ask another teacher to take my class up and down the stairs (the building is over 100 years old and has TONS of stairs).  I figure I can go up and down once, anything more than that and I’ll be afraid I did too much.

 And so my 3WW continues.  I feel helpless!  I wish there was something I could do or more signs that would tell me what was happening…but I know it’s what we all have to go through.  I’ll keep you posted.

June 10, 2010 – IVF #2 Fertilization Report


 They retrieved 11 eggs: 10 mature, 1 immature.

They froze 5 mature eggs, discarded immature egg.

They inseminated 5 mature eggs with ICSI and…


 I am so happy.  I know these embryos still have a long way to go before they make it into our arms, but this is the best we could’ve ever prayed for.  We will hopefully transfer 2 on Saturday.  Thank you for all your good wishes!  xoxo

June 9, 2010 – IVF #2 Retrieval (way different from #1)

Thank you all so very much for your comments – they were so uplifting!  I read them all as I was waiting for my turn this morning!

 This morning was different than last time.  First, we didn’t rush to get there.  Then, everything wasn’t as scary, except for the fact that it’s scary to think you feel at home in an IVF wing of a hospital.  These were good things that were different.

 Bad difference is that it took more than one try to get that IV in…um  OWWWW!!!!  The IV is seriously the part I hate most.  I also wasn’t first to go this time, I was second, and they have 3 of you wait in a holding area, so I got to see the girl before me being wheeled out on the stretcher – that was kinda weird.  I remember nothing of the procedure, but as soon as I woke up I was in SERIOUS pain.  I cried hysterically, like I did last time, but this time my lower right abdomen was killing me.  I kept begging for my husband to come in from the waiting room (he did), then they brought me a heating bad, and finally they offered me Morphine, which I’ve never had before.  It took the edge off, but didn’t help completely.

 I got home around noon and slept for 3 ½ hours.  Last time I was ok enough to go to a diner – this time I was (still kinda am) woozy, almost threw up, and just totally exhausted.

 The best difference this time – we got 11 eggs!!!  Hopefully the fertilization report tomorrow will be great!

June 8, 2010 – Retrieval Tomorrow

I can’t believe it’s here again…wait, yes I can cause my stomach is HUGE (was asked when I’m due by a parent of a student), my ovaries are killing me, and DH and I are fighting like cats & dogs…the signs are all there.  Also, no worries about my follies growing- this morning they measured one at 26mm…they’re huge now.  Went to one of the nurse’s apartments last night at 10:45 for both the HCG and the Lupron trigger…I know we could’ve done it, but I didn’t wanna mess it up.  I’m SO happy she offered the option of going to her apartment cause I would’ve had to clean for about 5 hours to make our apartment look one step above condemned.

 So that’s it – I am beyond exhausted.  We have to be at the hospital at 8am tomorrow.  Fingers, toes, EVERYTHING crossed! xoxoxo

June 5, 2010 – IVF #2, Cycle Day 14

Quick update:  Went in for blood work/ultra sound today.  I waited in the exam room a long time, so I had time to stare at my records on the screen.  So apparently yesterday I had 1 16mm follie that they didn’t say out loud.  I also saw that the night they told me to stop the Follistim, my E2 levels had skyrocketed to 1000, now they are lower…I forget what they’re supposed to be – I’ll have to look it up.  Anyway, I doctor I never met before did the scan, I heard her say 1 17mm and that there were about 4 or 5 that were 15 & 16, then there about 4 greater than 10mm and 4 less than 10mm…again who knows.  She said I may have to stim for 2 more days – HOLY @%*!  This is taking forever!  The doc I saw on Wednesday said it would be in a day or 2…grrr….oh well, I’m trying to stay positive that they’re still growing.  Thanks for all of your lovely comments and support – they are VERY appreciated! xo

June 4, 2010 – Carefree No More

So for 3 days now, I’m hearing 15mm follies being called out…UM…they’re not growing!!!  I’m freaking out!  Last night and tonight I’ve done 150 Follistim/ Menopur/1Ganirelix.  What is happening – this is my 12th night of stims and 8th day in a row of bloodwork and ultrasounds!  I am just PRAYING that I get to trigger tomorrow – I am so stressed out!

 Also wanna apologize for falling behind in blog reading- I’m really so stressed out.  Still praying that things will go forward and I’ll have bed rest next week to catch up.  Lots of love to all!

June 2, 2010 – Stim Update

So this morning I heard them calling out a 15, 14s, 13s and other smaller ones…this is day 10 of stims.  Last night they changed my protocol from 50 Follistim/75 Menapur/1 Ganirelix to NO Follistim/100 Menopur/1 Ganirelix.  I thought that meant things were progressing and they wanted to slow it down, but today they called and upped me back to 75 Follistim/75 Menopur/1 Ganirelix.  I hope that doesn’t mean something’s not ok.

 I’ll keep you posted!